as i say bye to one more past
and openly hug the new one cast
i hope and pray this year shall bring
lots of happiness and songs to sing
that ure presence in my life shall fill
for all that this year made so nill
and in every moment that means much
pain,joy,triumph,and such
i always find myself with you
and make my absences completely few

this is dedicated only to a few of my best friends. who i will kill for. never ever missed them more..

The Kottayam Kollection

Amidst nowhere I dwell
soaking silently swell
the odd cicada shrieks
life crackles and creaks
as rain graces our lives
changing torture to thrive
nature glowers full bloom
canopy covered skies loom
discarding frenzy and fraught
i drench in rain soaked thoughts

......................A glorious rainy pining moment sitting idle on the thinnai of our tharavad at Puzhayoram.


If I had my way now
I'll marry for money not for love

.................Irony at its semi best. Reflections at the gorgeous Lake Resort at Kottayam. Honeymooners ultimate destination. The one place I'd love to spend with the one I love to bits. But the tariff is uffffffffffffffffff only two nights affordable.


pried and Pested

If you ask me
to express free
I may reveal
what you not feel
I beg you not
to entrust me this thought
go your way
with time make hay
seek you smiles
for those petty whiles
then knock my doors
to need me some more
our hearts now wry of wrath
cause our thoughts sought their paths

.........Important lesson learnt. If there is a difference of opinion please do only as you please. Don't ask me what I feel and do that to make me feel good. I swear I wont. I take pride in your pride. Please do as you please. Comfort me later all your best!!! :-)


Peacemaker

Inhale exhale sigh and sweep
dwell into thoughts shallow and deep
through vodka,coffee or just oxygen
through day, night, where and when
lame excuses I make to quit
only to have the last one lit
well I don't cheat, kill or speak lies
So let me cherish my only vice


(In)security

darting vision nervous wreck
scrutinize characters shred to speck
grasp to grip tension speaks
spirit grows morose and meek
reproach, reinforce,reiterate
my anxiety , your love sooner than late
hold, caress, kiss and smile
this mental mess peel and pile
Give me no proof or pity
just let me bask (In)security

.............The best example of a confused mind. insecure.

LeftOvers

If I let go of you
took memories few
shed some penitent tears
allowed your presence to leer
swallowed my pride to face
a life rid of your trace
and turned back once to see
........in my mirror was not me.

A breakup good bad or neutral is bound to be if its bound to be.It can change the best for worse, the worst to the best. Though most of the time we re so caught up with the past present and future of ourselves...we dont realise the former from the later.No its not happening to me. :-)

Slumber

Eyes wide shut fingers curled
feet apart hands hurled
awareness amiss
baneless bliss
a silence so noisy I hear not
even a slyly creeping thought
of people,premise,position and poise
or some vaguely vapid volumeless voice
unshaken,unabashed,undisturbed I lay
silently breathing my recent past away

I sleep just five hours a day.........but I love my sleep. The only time I ever connect with my self. When my mind body and soul are all collinear.............sigh!

Truth Spoken

We came as no surprise
To see some fall, some rise
As we tried climbing
Sometimes fast, sometimes tumbling
You held our fingers
Letting hope linger
Showed us the way
Gave us strength to stay
When we were lost
Sometimes out cold in frost
You showed us the fire
Letting our hearts retire
We have so much to tell
For your memory is all that dwells
In our moments worst and best
In our times of trial and test
We will take our steps ahead
Showing us the way you had led.

A dedication to someone who’s experience I had even though few, I will cherish all my life. Demise brings so many things together. We realize what trivial and silly things we fought over. The bridges we broke, somehow fall back in place. Which is why they were never meant to be broken anyway? Did we need a lesson so tough to make us learn?

Space,Silence,Sense

Scream, shout, swear
None too much to bear
Don’t talk for days ahead
Let communication go dead
Two lives apart we can lead
To others pay no heed
I’d rather stay away
Than hear the words you say
With no care, intention or mind
But none too very kind
And live each day after
With interrupted laughter


Its not for nothing we've been told think before you speak. Sometimes there are no intentions to what we say. We didn't mean it we explain. But these are the demons that lead to sudden silences during happy times. That lead to some sleepless nights. Some unwanted tears. Sometimes defeating so many other good intentions simply because we cannot fathom where, why and whom it came from.......
A sincere apology to anyone I might have unintentionally hurt in the past with mindless words.

Witers Block

When thoughts diverge
Themes fail to emerge
words dont evolve
around confusion revolves
pen,pencil,type writer
yet -prospects dont get brighter
void looms darkness fills
helpless mind frustration fills
minutes tick in a timeless clock
tormenting me this writer's block

...............to explain the sudden silence. Couldnt write, couldnt think straight.

Masterpeace

Lessons learnt toughest
Patches treaded roughest
Played hard fun
Sometimes till I was done
Studied like never before
A subject that did much bore
The fruit that did pay
Was very much to stay
Made friends so eccentric
Went in circles concentric
Sat many a hour alone
Hearing airplanes drone
Watched the rain shower
Amidst the thoughts hover
Argued the logic vehement
Trying to pry the inherent
Drank sordid tea
Solving calculus to my glee
Smoked with my paratroopers
Laughing over class’s bloopers
Snubbed greasy professors
My worst depressors
Mooned over the radicals
Far from being tactical
That did pay bad
Regret I don’t feel tad
Waded through thesis trouble
That burst my urban bubble
All in all I’ll tell
I had a time so swell!!!!!



A dedication to my life at Madras School of Economics. I miss school for everything including the studies which I didn’t enjoy much except for the calculus I used on everything taught. Some amazing individuals I met there. Some terrific experiences. Most of all I loved our private balcony where we could see planes fly so low..... the best memories are ofcourse the ciggie breaks with paratroopers and cheap thrills of taking the breaks in Madhuri's hostel room.

Aftermath

My head spun my tummy grumbled
My hair was a mess my clothes crumpled
Didn’t make an idea out of a clue
I had recollections so damn few
Heard vague noises speak some stuff
The most mundane was now so tough
‘Let there be normal’ I wanted to scream
Just wishing away all that was a dream
Coffee and water would do it away
I’d be just fine start of the day
I lay dazed completely flummoxed
Cause nothing damn it could be stomached
Just as I gave up mind over matter
Cause I didn’t know the former from the latter!
I managed to hum myself to sleep
Oblivious of the shit I got into so deep.

Recollections after the 'first' drink!!!!! Hangover woes!!! Long over come but never forgotten. Lesson learnt mom!!! Shall not repeat!! :-z

Wonder

Glistening ocean self content
Lazy air of no intent
The moon gleamed maliciously
Romance wafts deliciously
The ocean seemed to groan and stretch
With every shadow the moon did etch
Leaving myriads of expressions
To an ever lasting impression
As the moon and sea made love
With no sense of when and now
Did I watch like a spy
Sight beyond beauty it made me cry.

The Banyan Tree

Rested at her feet
Countless days
Sheltered from the heat
Watching her sleeves sway
Her extended arms
Always room for comfort
Skin weathered and warm
Her feet rain soaked with dirt
When the sun shone hard
She stretched out wide
Brow caused creased doubts
Herself scaled and dried
She saw many people come and go by
They played about and sat around
Sometimes for a good cry
Sharing secrets unspoken unfound
When the rain came
She soaked in its affection
Her limbs danced untamed
In frenzy and imperfection
She saw so many lovers
And bore so many children
In her fruits and flowers
She never was deemed barren
Eons passed as with age
Through a glorious past
After much decay and damage
She stood still graceful sighing her last.

The School KFI had a beautiful Banyan Tree. Have wonderful memories of climbing trees, scrapping knees, mango moments, waiting for car, snake spotting, crying beneath the trees, and lovely nature walks......also escaping PT which I detested.

Manufacturing Defects:

All she was a kid of ten
Consciousness struck don’t know when
Pleasant kid not much trouble
But just then they burst her bubble
Till such time she was considered cute
That ensured peace and mind astute
Soon they pointed here and there
Then it became too much to bear
Barbie dreams ramp walk rage
Too much too soon at this age
What was just pure puppy fat?
Had to be turned to vital stats
So she starved herself to sleep
As weight loss came did insecurity creep
The going only just got tough
The extra pound lost never enough
Sweet valley twins and Judy Blume
To strange notions gave much room
Coming of age puberty spell
New set of issues came to dwell
Instead of math she had to max
Focus shifted to bikini wax
As the hemlines just got higher
Crushes came and kindled fire
Gone were the cheeks and paunch
A million desires did it launch
By the time she turned twenty
Obsessions were born by plenty
Mirror mania weighing scale woes
It was never right tip or toe
Stumbled marriage suitor hunt
Increasing bills bank balance brunt
In due course match was made
She thought the dividends were finally paid
Diet food drove him mad
So did her frenzy for Femina Fads
Then one day he let it drop
All this crap had to stop
Just when it was a little too late
Realization curbed trouble spate
Shook her shoulders screamed it clear
To insanity she was driving him near
Finally did she let go
And who she really was got to know
Once gone fancies fickle
Life came one full circle.


Reminiscences of a crazy obsession brought down to sensible levels!!! Weight loss woes when will it ever go!!!

(I)(D(ent)ity)) Crisis

Born I was one sultry summer
Saw the sun glower and heat simmer
Indian Cricket saw world cup victory
My folks saw unfold my story
Since that day in sultry June
I started doing things too soon
Spoke my words much too early
Stated preferences loud and clearly
Didn’t know much from bad to good
But knew all I wanted about my food
Went to school at tiny three
Crying all the way not letting mum free
Hated the place from the start
Cause at mummy’s lap was my heart
From then onwards till about ten
Homeward bound I wondered when
Not that I didn’t like school much
But weird child I was such
Soon distaste I overcame
For in many things I made a name
Drama, dance and sweet misbehavior
Did I find my boredom savior
Through mango moods and mulberry ambushes
Also went boys and childhood crushes
Of course I read my lessons too
Respite from which were but few
At school I declared much to their terror
An ambition that was a comedy of error
Arc light dreams I saw so vivid
But made my folks much too livid
I went to high school heavy hearted
From those dreams dear departed
Accounts, commerce and economics
Read anything they were from comic
Fell in love first time folly
But then it seemed so loft and lovely
Came college and more confusion
So much it was it went to seclusion
Fleeting friendships and conventional crap
Went thru the rut thru tunnel and trap
Read my major halfheartedly
Five years hence was done finally
Grabbed by corporate clutches I evolved
Some identity issues came resolved
Financial freedom finally saw
Those insecurities that earlier did gnaw
Shying all praise and pity
I finally saw an identity……


Random thoughts on childhood....how ambitions take birth and evolve and die and take new forms. To make things simple I ve always wanted to be an actress.....I still do....

Small Miracles

Unspoken hurt
The past dirt
Accusing eyes
Those silly white lies
What could have been?
What cant be seen
Wasted moments
Tension torments
Splitting headache
Verge of heartbreak
Bathroom tears
Reeks in fear
Sleepless nights
Telephone fights
Bottled emotions
Shallow notions
There s no more to know
You’re ready to let go
Memories stay
For miracles you pray
Final glance
Just one more chance?
What is meant to be?
Is not me, you but we
The decided fate
Love conquers hate!


Situations when one wants to give it all up and exhale, and once exhaled....wants the madness back.

Losing Touch

I reach out
between nagging doubt
will you will you not
surrender to forbidden thought
unsure what next is
afraid something is amiss
this we enjoyed so much before
always ended up asking for more
as night blended with day
and invariable tiredness giving way
our spent selves fell
into sweet slumber's spell
Now as I reach out to you
your overtures are but few
I know there is I cant do much
Now that we are losing touch


The worst rejection. When a relationship is breaking, and only one person wants to work it out. You know the physical connection is dying because you re not bonding emotionally. You try, the other person cant say no, cant give in. You know that its bound to happen......

Corridors

I've walked many corridors through my life
through happiness, victory, struggle and strife
I walked with a glance towards the open
Thinking about people and words spoken
I saw my life unfold ahead
Imagined what could have been with the dead
I wondered at what lay in the future
Sometimes fought fears so immature
School,college,work
Through many corridors did I lurk
walking the sunny side most time
through though,song and mime
Saw my life the way I wanted it
awards,applause,love,marriage kids- every bit
I saw reality more than that
some terrific cheer some ugly spats
I blinked at the smiling sun above
Wondered what next done with now
infactuation struck when eyes met
an affair I look back with fond regret
exams came easy and tough
many more challenges smooth and rough
I waited anxiously many occasion
in dusty corridors amidst confusion
walking through corridors means a lot
for it shows me what may happen or not
I always see so much ahead
And think to myself how time has sped
I am to walk many corridors new
To the occasion to emerge anything but few
As I walk I shall see, think and smile
That the corridor of my life just grew a new mile.


Corridors have always made me think about what happened and what is to happen. I always manage to think about my aspirations when I walk corridors. I ve been caught many times being someone else as I walked corridors in school. I ran through corridors in college because I wanted to get home soon. I Love the corridor in MSE where I spent many rainy afternoons. Where I eagerly anxiously waited to hear I got the GECIS job - My first stepping stone!!!Even the shady smoking zone corridor at SCOPE makes me think. But most of all I have very fond memories of the corridor in Vidya Mandir Adyar, where I waited every morning before class started. Another structure that I just love is the terrace, but thats another poem another time.!!!! If we had terraces of our lives, I guess it would be very tough to come down to earth....

To the ultimate Influence

I ve started my journey far and wide
Through pleasant weather and changing tides
I ve so far climbed some hills and peaks
But the horizons are always far to seek
I ve fallen ill and sometimes stumbled
I ve passed many moments with prayers mumbled
There have been times when I wanted to end it all
But through these times I always stood tall
My quest at some point I must confess
Could have ended very meaningless
But for when at cross roads I stood
Grappled for all the meaning I could
And there you came passing by
Just as I was about to cry
You revealed the biggest truth there was to be
And that completely set me free
To trust myself and myself alone
And not to be some dictate’s clone
To be dishonesty’s last slave
And always be amongst the brave
To say sorry was better than not try
Cause its only with initiative one can fly
I know at some point I must end
But you know that’s too less for a great friend!!!!!!!!


………………A dedication to a person who makes the biggest difference to my life. Naveen Narayanan, the one who lives the term friend philosopher and guide through every day of my life. Lucky are those of us whose lives have been touched by this great person. Very very lucky indeed. Words do not suffice....

Theater Drama

corporate madness one of a kind
Theater drama my latest find
came past it through a family friend
thought I'd muster all support I could lend
ended up in a play she called great
None ever so big done till date
Then I realised what I'd done
To escape I found excuses none
the friend that was, was turning terror
I didnt quite know where was the error
all I had to do was just dance
and show up somewhere at whatever chance
as rehersals went by the day
I started liking what came my way
I love practise immensely now
This change came about I know how
Its not the play or the purpose
Its the people absolutely ofcourse
even the director who eats my head
or the producer who thinks iam braindead
the journo by night and what else by day
the crazy kid who eats all the way
the photographer madly in love
the heroine who only looks above
the dancer sweet tempered most time
stage manager who has it easy as a rhyme
this could go one till god knows when
there would be still more to quote even then
all I'd say is I dunno how
I am just so glad this happened NOW


I am a part of a thearter production. Its crazy. I always want to bunk practise before I go. But when I finish with it I feel damn good. I ve met some really nice people.People who do their work with admirable dedication and expertise and are yet so modest and down to earth. Mention Samanth, Sunder and Lasya ( who I ve admired immensely as a kid). Many of the kids I ve met here too...esp Namratha the crazy little thing thats always eating between rehersal.Karan the supposed stage manager who send irritating morning messages and doesnt know what he is doing in this play yet being there day in and day out buying us food and being subject to a lot of bullying from me and Namratha.
I immensely enjoy the people I meet. There is no better way to learn in life.However eccentric they might seem, I realise what I see is what I think. So enjoying these people might just mean I am fun right???? Ummmm Uhhhhhh!!!!!

Hahahahaha

the upbringing

ours is a home of four
chaos and fun ceiling to floor
pretty mom and fun dad
bro and sis totally mad
went to schools best of all
saw the scenes big and small
learnt the lessons from language to love
and laughed our way from the scene above
college came and went past quick
the best we were recruiter's pick
life couldnt be better at twenty two
so soon so much has past flew
much has changed since I dunno
but I ve gone ahead with the flow
there aint a day I dont say thanks
to the ones who filled the blanks!!!!!!!!


A totally silly dedication to my wonderful parents and brother. I ve seen friends, relationships,teachers,bosses, come and go.......they all make up various dimensions of my multi dimensional self.I ve learnt from all and gone past all. I ve sometimes stepped aside and looked back,,,,sometimes selfishly moved ahead,,,when I ve lookback it means I still cared about them,,,,when I dont it means I give a shit......but whats never to change is the friendship i cherish with my folks and brother. I really respect the freedom me and arvind ve been brought up with. Its something no other shild would get! just like what daddy says and continues to dole out in huge measures day in day out. People could take a lesson on women's lib from my folks who practise it without even realising it.

weakened woes

friday fever rises high
weekends here with a sigh
seven o clock much awaited
five day tension satiated
saturday comes eargerly
day goes past meagerly
afternoon beer at b n b
was the only highlight it seems to me
i go past events in a daze
all i do is just laze
anticipate his presence each hour
the worst is all that seems so sure
the day has come and gone past soon
its been horrid sun to moon
i hit the sack with the best to take
a plesantly rythmic throbbing headache!!!!


...........tribute to a fucked up saturday and to a more fucked up weekend. I hate wasted weekends!!!!